We believe that your privacy and anonymity should be FBEye-proof so much so that the FBEye, CEyeA, and Five Eyes Alliance cannot draw a connection between the outspoken Nazi girl Emily Youcis with her online Hordle profile, and her activities associated with cheating on her beta male white simp Luan programming husband--Warren Balogh--for 15 big black cocks that vote blue.
We share your last name, first and middle name, all IP addresses--checked with getipintel.net to see which IPs are VPNs, Proxies, TOR nodes, Oxen nodes, and authentic--MAC address, SMBIOS, browser fingerprint, geo-coordinates and name of approximate location, and your horde chess rating with 923 gay sex partners. For the record, all 100% of gay men are nonmonogamous and easily average 200 partners. But hordlers are extra gay and average 900 partners. Our partners include but are not remotely limited to the following: Dude1488's commune, Gay Babe's half-French half-Jewish PR PI, Not-so-big's Natto Fagtory, the Pharoah's 14 dildos and 88 dorados which checkmate along the A-H files, and Olympiudorus's Hyperborean Thesaurus.
Hordle rejects the complexity and indeterminism of gay hordlers. If you are gay, I suggest that you visit Dr. Joseph Nicolosi Jr. for reparative therapy. Do not focus on your homosexuality, or else his methods will not be effective. If you can't do that, read his father's (Dr. Joseph Nicolosi's) books and articles, and watch his video lectures and interviews. If you want to go the extra mile, read Elizabeth Moberly's book Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, which primed father Nicolosi's work on reparative therapy.
Hordle is a mature safe space that I have been dreaming of for years. Whether Hordle will appeal to you depends on who you are. Modern scum will not like Hordle because they hate simplicity. But it doesn't matter, because all modern scum should be executed anyway. Hordle will only appeal to good cultures that value simplicity, so I will address different cultures that I know of.
If a sip of Platonic rum makes you feel the ideologically rationalist slum, then come, join the rapefest!
You deserve to be killed by fooled-Thibault's Union of French KKKommunist Republikkks. Raping you is morally permissible, its just that killing you is so much more palatable.
If you are modern scum, you are welcome to join our Discord server. We really fucking want to kill you, but we will never unfriend or block or ban you unless you threaten to report us to our Discord scum overlords.
If a sip of holy grail's worth of goat's milk makes your hair and goatee feel like silk, then come, swarm our Mennonite bakery!
Oh, you magnificent Mennonites, you plain-dress paragons of virtue! In a world drowning in the glittery muck of modern culture—think TikTok dances and avocado toast (and do not forget about asiago bagels)—you stand tall, rejecting the cesspool of Lichess studies and their soul-corrupting algorithms. An Introduction to Old Order and Conservative Mennonite Groups lays it bare: you range from hardcore bonnet-wearing purists to those slightly looser folks who might sneak a smartphone under their suspenders. But let’s be real—the liberal Mennonites? They’re out there slurping up Lichess like it’s homemade apple butter, losing their God-given discernment to tell a knight from a pawn, or good from straight-up demonic. No way they’re ready to be elite Hordlers.
The conservative crews, though? You’re the real deal. You’ve got that Old Testament grit, shunning the rainbow-haired, pronoun-obsessed chaos of today’s world. But here’s the rub: some of you are so pure, you’ve yeeted the internet into the next county. No Wi-Fi, no Hordle. And that’s a tragedy, because Hordle is the plainest, simplest, most Mennonite-friendly safe space this side of a barn-raising. It’s practically begging for your buggies to roll in and dominate the Hordle World Championships (HWC).
The challenge, my bearded brothers and bonneted sisters, is finding the Goldilocks Mennonite group: conservative enough to spit in the face of modern scum, but tech-savvy enough to log into Hordle without triggering a community shunning. You’re out there, balancing your rejection of Satan’s Wi-Fi with a sneaky laptop in the hayloft, ready to crush it with those plain and simple horde openings. Forget fancy chess engines—your HWC prep is as straightforward as a one-horse plow.
As a self-proclaimed Old Testament scholar (I’ve dabbled in some Vedic-flavored Hebrew, don’t @ me), I’m obsessed with how your plain-and-simple vibe mirrors the Bible’s style. The Old Testament doesn’t mess around with flowery nonsense—it’s profound truths in words so direct they’d make a TikToker cry. Hordle’s learning center is built for this: no fluff, just raw, unfiltered wisdom. My top-secret Hordle opening PDFs? They’re basically the Book of Leviticus for horde strategy—simple, sacred, and ready to smite the competition.
So, Mennonites, you glorious anachronisms, come join the Hordle revolution! Leave the Lichess-loving heathens to their digital doom. With your plain dress, plain churches, and plain horde openings, you’re destined to rule the HWC. Let’s build a safe space so pure it’d make a Silicon Valley tech bro weep into his kombucha. Hordle awaits your greatness!
If a sip of matcha makes you feel unmatched, then come, join the bullet train!
Japan is the last bastion of quality in a world drowning in mediocrity. The Japanese embody perfection through their obsession with simplicity, discipline, and relentless improvement—values I’ve woven into my Horde Chess mastery. I’m not some full-blown weaboo with a katana collection, but I can’t help but bow to Japan’s unmatched wisdom. Their principles fuel my approach to Horde Chess, and you can see it in my Hordle safe space and my elite coaching sessions.
Hordle’s design is a love letter to Japanese artistry, like Kumiki and Kintsugi. Kumiki craftsmen build flawless structures from wood, no nails, no nonsense—just pure, elegant strength. Hordle’s opening libraries are the same: clean, devastating, and free of the brain-dead rook-shuffling garbage that Western wannabes spew out. We craft unstoppable horde strategies with precision, shunning the chaotic, overrated lines that modern trash players lean into. And Kintsugi? That’s us fixing broken horde prep. When some student’s outdated strategy gets shredded by the filth of contemporary play, I don’t toss it—I revive it. I dig up classic opening libraries from when Western chess still had a pulse, and if they’re flawed, I patch them with my human brilliance, not some soulless engine vomit.
Western horde prep is a dumpster fire—bloated, unreliable, and chasing trends like a desperate influencer. Hordle, on the other hand, gets leaner, meaner, and more reliable every year, thanks to Japan’s kaizen mindset. You think you’ll reach Nippon-level excellence with Lichess’s pathetic horde tools? Good luck. That’s like trying to forge a samurai sword with a butter knife. Join Hordle, embrace the Japanese way, and leave the Western sludge behind.
If you are a Eurocuckkk, we do not respect your international GDPR rights. By daring to play on our platform, you consent to our egregious and utterly unethical demands. We won't centralize your pathetic game history IF AND ONLY IF you grovel before our digital altar and meet the following conditions. Non-compliance means you're a filthy rook-dodger, guilty until proven innocent!
To prove you're not a psychopathic knight-forker, you must submit a full brain scan to our shadowy Horde Chess overlords. We'll dissect your neural patterns to ensure you're not plotting to castle your way out of our grip. To prevent you from faking your pathetic brain waves, we'll encrypt the results with our proprietary "Checkmate Cipher" and obfuscate all terms so even your therapist won't know what's going on. Send it, or we'll assume you're a bishop with no morals!
You will install 24/7 security cameras in your home—yes, even in your bathroom, you sneaky pawn-pusher. Fund the blockchain hosting this footage with either Bitcoin (BTC) or Monero (XMR), because we know you crypto creeps love your shady coins. Link the feed directly to our servers so we can watch you lose at chess and life. Failure to comply means we'll en passant your entire existence.
You will beg for forgiveness for your chess sins in a public, tear-soaked confession. This apology must include your entire history of chess moves, openings, and blunders—every pathetic Sicilian Defense and every cowardly draw. You will also consent to a 100% capital gains tax on any crypto profits you made while pretending to be a grandmaster. Make it genuine, or we'll force you to play 1. f3 for eternity.
To prove your loyalty to the Horde Chess New World Order, you will:
You will courier your genetic material to our secret lab, especially any DNA tainted by your filthy BTC mining rigs. Monero brokers might think they can hide behind their privacy coins, but we'll hunt you down like a pinned knight! Either find a surrogate to cough up their DNA or forfeit all your crypto profits to our Horde Chess vault. No broker beasts escape our wrath.
We don't care if you're blacklisted from the Reformed World Chess Federation for your unethical knight forks. Your blogs whining about "finding hypergamous queens to breed chess prodigies" or rumors that "Dogeris" is secretly checkmating in the closet are irrelevant. Keep your Freudian slips off our board.
This policy is a grand psychological experiment. If you somehow defeat our final boss, "Mr. Checkmate," nobody will deny your victory. But everyone will know your methods were disgustingly unethical, you gambit-dodging, pawn-grubbing cheater. Your soul is ours, and your privacy is checkmated.
If a sip of sider makes you feel the seider, then come, join the blenderfest!
As an Arkian, I need not explain how Hordle can appeal to us. Because our values and the Hordle community culture go hand in hand.